| Lighten up, man | |
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Eric
Posts : 9738 Join date : 2012-07-30 Age : 73 Location : Pensacola
| Subject: Re: Lighten up, man Mon Mar 07, 2016 9:41 am | |
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nochain
Posts : 2888 Join date : 2013-04-24
| Subject: Re: Lighten up, man Mon Mar 14, 2016 3:41 pm | |
| Tool explanations:
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your coke across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh shucks' SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race. TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper. BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge. TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a Bitch!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need. Hope you found this informative. | |
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riceme
Posts : 3098 Join date : 2012-12-02 Age : 52 Location : Fox, Alaska
| Subject: Re: Lighten up, man Mon Mar 14, 2016 9:04 pm | |
| That is hilarious... just emailed it. | |
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Eric
Posts : 9738 Join date : 2012-07-30 Age : 73 Location : Pensacola
| Subject: Re: Lighten up, man Fri Mar 25, 2016 9:09 am | |
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Eric
Posts : 9738 Join date : 2012-07-30 Age : 73 Location : Pensacola
| Subject: Re: Lighten up, man Fri Mar 25, 2016 10:00 am | |
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Eric
Posts : 9738 Join date : 2012-07-30 Age : 73 Location : Pensacola
| Subject: Re: Lighten up, man Fri Mar 25, 2016 10:30 am | |
| ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’ ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! _______________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? WITNESS: July 18th. ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which. ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? WITNESS: Forty-five years. _________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget.. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shitting me? _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death.. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. ___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral… _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________ And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No.. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
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Eric
Posts : 9738 Join date : 2012-07-30 Age : 73 Location : Pensacola
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nochain
Posts : 2888 Join date : 2013-04-24
| Subject: Re: Lighten up, man Thu Apr 14, 2016 9:40 am | |
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nochain
Posts : 2888 Join date : 2013-04-24
| Subject: Re: Lighten up, man Thu Apr 14, 2016 9:40 am | |
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Eric
Posts : 9738 Join date : 2012-07-30 Age : 73 Location : Pensacola
| Subject: Re: Lighten up, man Thu Apr 14, 2016 5:03 pm | |
| That's like a damn cat would do...
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nochain
Posts : 2888 Join date : 2013-04-24
| Subject: Re: Lighten up, man Wed Apr 20, 2016 8:07 am | |
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nochain
Posts : 2888 Join date : 2013-04-24
| Subject: Re: Lighten up, man Wed May 11, 2016 9:29 am | |
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nochain
Posts : 2888 Join date : 2013-04-24
| Subject: Re: Lighten up, man Wed May 11, 2016 9:37 am | |
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nochain
Posts : 2888 Join date : 2013-04-24
| Subject: Re: Lighten up, man Tue Jun 28, 2016 8:59 am | |
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nochain
Posts : 2888 Join date : 2013-04-24
| Subject: Re: Lighten up, man Tue Jun 28, 2016 9:00 am | |
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mediawatcher
Posts : 3139 Join date : 2013-08-07
| Subject: Re: Lighten up, man Wed Jun 29, 2016 6:02 am | |
| - nochain wrote:
LOL....now that's funny.... | |
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mediawatcher
Posts : 3139 Join date : 2013-08-07
| Subject: Re: Lighten up, man Wed Jun 29, 2016 6:02 am | |
| - nochain wrote:
YUP! | |
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nochain
Posts : 2888 Join date : 2013-04-24
| Subject: Re: Lighten up, man Wed Jun 29, 2016 7:47 am | |
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nochain
Posts : 2888 Join date : 2013-04-24
| Subject: Re: Lighten up, man Wed Jun 29, 2016 8:18 am | |
| That's going to hurt | |
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nochain
Posts : 2888 Join date : 2013-04-24
| Subject: Re: Lighten up, man Fri Jul 01, 2016 8:14 am | |
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mediawatcher
Posts : 3139 Join date : 2013-08-07
| Subject: Re: Lighten up, man Wed Jul 06, 2016 4:41 am | |
| - nochain wrote:
OUCH!!!!! | |
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| Subject: Re: Lighten up, man | |
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| Lighten up, man | |
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