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 Lighten up, man

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Eric

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PostSubject: Re: Lighten up, man   Mon Mar 07, 2016 11:41 am


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nochain

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PostSubject: Re: Lighten up, man   Mon Mar 14, 2016 4:41 pm

Tool explanations:

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
flings your coke across the room, denting the freshly-painted project
which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under
the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and
hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say,
'Oh shucks'

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal
your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside
the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after
you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly
under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut
good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the
trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside
edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or
for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your
shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips
screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to
convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering
your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket
you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent
the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents
such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful
for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab
and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a Bitch!' at the top of
your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Hope you found this informative.
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riceme

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PostSubject: Re: Lighten up, man   Mon Mar 14, 2016 10:04 pm

That is hilarious... just emailed it.
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Eric

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PostSubject: Re: Lighten up, man   Fri Mar 25, 2016 10:09 am




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PostSubject: Re: Lighten up, man   Fri Mar 25, 2016 11:00 am


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PostSubject: Re: Lighten up, man   Fri Mar 25, 2016 11:30 am

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral…
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

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Eric

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PostSubject: Re: Lighten up, man   Thu Apr 07, 2016 11:36 am

This isn't me, but I start looking for a place to sit when I visit the Mall with my wife.  She has to touch everything, try on everything, and do a cost-benefit analysis on everything in the Mall.




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PostSubject: Re: Lighten up, man   Thu Apr 14, 2016 10:40 am

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PostSubject: Re: Lighten up, man   Thu Apr 14, 2016 10:40 am

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Eric

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PostSubject: Re: Lighten up, man   Thu Apr 14, 2016 6:03 pm

That's like a damn cat would do...

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PostSubject: Re: Lighten up, man   Wed Apr 20, 2016 9:07 am

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PostSubject: Re: Lighten up, man   Wed May 11, 2016 10:29 am

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PostSubject: Re: Lighten up, man   Wed May 11, 2016 10:37 am

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PostSubject: Re: Lighten up, man   Tue Jun 28, 2016 9:59 am

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PostSubject: Re: Lighten up, man   Tue Jun 28, 2016 10:00 am

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PostSubject: Re: Lighten up, man   Wed Jun 29, 2016 7:02 am

nochain wrote:


LOL....now that's funny....
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PostSubject: Re: Lighten up, man   Wed Jun 29, 2016 7:02 am

nochain wrote:

YUP!
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PostSubject: Re: Lighten up, man   Wed Jun 29, 2016 8:47 am

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PostSubject: Re: Lighten up, man   Wed Jun 29, 2016 9:18 am

That's going to hurt



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PostSubject: Re: Lighten up, man   Fri Jul 01, 2016 9:14 am

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mediawatcher

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PostSubject: Re: Lighten up, man   Wed Jul 06, 2016 5:41 am

nochain wrote:

OUCH!!!!!
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