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 Lighten up, man

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Eric

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PostSubject: Re: Lighten up, man   Tue Oct 27, 2015 12:37 pm




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PostSubject: Re: Lighten up, man   Fri Oct 30, 2015 9:14 am

Pinocchio, Snow White and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day.

As they walk, they come across a sign:
"Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."

"I am entering" said Snow White.

After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how did you do?"

"First Place," said Snow White.

They continue walking and they see a sign:
"Contest for the strongest man in the world."

"I'm entering," says Superman.

After half an hour he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"

"First Place," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"

They continue walking when they see a sign:
"Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"

Pinocchio says "this is mine!"

Half an hour later, he returns with tears in his eyes.

"What happened?" they asked.

"Who the heck is Hillary Clinton?" asked Pinocchio.
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PostSubject: Re: Lighten up, man   Wed Nov 04, 2015 12:07 pm

Shortly after take-off on an outbound evening Air Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston​, the lead flight attendant​ nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately,we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience.”

When the muttering of the passengers haddied down,she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight.”

Her next announcement came about 4 1/2 hours later: "If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available."
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PostSubject: Re: Lighten up, man   Wed Jan 06, 2016 12:34 pm

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PostSubject: Re: Lighten up, man   Wed Jan 06, 2016 12:37 pm

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PostSubject: Re: Lighten up, man   Wed Jan 06, 2016 12:39 pm

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PostSubject: Re: Lighten up, man   Wed Jan 06, 2016 12:39 pm

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PostSubject: Re: Lighten up, man   Thu Jan 07, 2016 9:01 am

The Gynecologist
>
> A gynecologist had become so fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork he burned out. Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become an auto mechanic.
>
> He went to the local technical college, signed up for classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
>
> When the results came back, he was surprised to
> find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"
>
> The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart
> perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. This equaled an A". After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career."
>
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Eric

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PostSubject: Re: Lighten up, man   Thu Jan 07, 2016 12:47 pm

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The bartender looks at him and says, “Hang on! You’re a duck.”

“I see your eyes are working,” replies the duck.

“And you can talk!” exclaims the bartender.

“I see your ears are working, too,” says the duck. “Now if you don’t mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?”

“Certainly, sorry about that” says the bartender as he pours the duck a pint. “It’s just we don’t get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?”

“I’m working on the building site across the road,” explains the duck. “I’m a plasterer.”

The flabbergasted bartender cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves. The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the bartender says to him: “You’re with the circus, aren’t you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!”
“Sounds marvelous,” says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. “Get him to give me a call.”
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the bartender says, “Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.”

“I’m always looking for the next job,” says the duck. “Where is it?”

“At the circus,” says the bartender.

“The circus?” repeats the duck.

“That’s right,” replies the bartender.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says: “What would they want with a plasterer?”

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PostSubject: Re: Lighten up, man   Thu Feb 04, 2016 10:06 am

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Eric

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PostSubject: Re: Lighten up, man   Fri Feb 05, 2016 12:29 pm

When we camped last Labor Day near Ft. McRee, the folks next to us had a daughter named Isis.  She is the one paddling the Stand Up Paddleboard in this pic.  What do you do?  Change her name?


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PostSubject: Re: Lighten up, man   Fri Feb 05, 2016 12:45 pm

LOL! That's a tough one
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PostSubject: Re: Lighten up, man   Fri Feb 05, 2016 1:22 pm

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riceme

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PostSubject: Re: Lighten up, man   Fri Feb 05, 2016 11:13 pm


I know people say "lol" a lot but it usually means "that's funny" or "I chuckled... silently. On the inside." But this literally made me laugh out loud... like a donkey.

nochain wrote:
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PostSubject: Re: Lighten up, man   Fri Feb 05, 2016 11:18 pm

Eric wrote:
When we camped last Labor Day near Ft. McRee, the folks next to us had a daughter named Isis.  She is the one paddling the Stand Up Paddleboard in this pic.  What do you do?  Change her name?


Wow, that's a tough break. That's when you elect to start going by your middle name.

My good buddy went through a terrible divorce. His now ex-wife cheated on him with and is now married to a guy that has the same first name as him. He told everyone he knows to now address him by his middle name. Shocked
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PostSubject: Re: Lighten up, man   Wed Feb 10, 2016 3:29 pm

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PostSubject: Re: Lighten up, man   Wed Feb 10, 2016 3:32 pm

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Eric

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PostSubject: Re: Lighten up, man   Wed Feb 10, 2016 8:48 pm

I can see that little girl throwing her arms out and backing up in terror
... when the fish suddenly wiggles.

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PostSubject: Re: Lighten up, man   Sat Feb 13, 2016 1:36 pm


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PostSubject: Re: Lighten up, man   Mon Feb 15, 2016 10:25 am

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Eric

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PostSubject: Re: Lighten up, man   Tue Mar 01, 2016 2:42 pm


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PostSubject: Re: Lighten up, man   Wed Mar 02, 2016 11:33 am

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PostSubject: Re: Lighten up, man   Wed Mar 02, 2016 11:36 am

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Eric

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PostSubject: Re: Lighten up, man   Wed Mar 02, 2016 11:36 am


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PostSubject: Re: Lighten up, man   Wed Mar 02, 2016 11:38 am

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