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 Lighten up, man

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Linda

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PostSubject: Re: Lighten up, man   Thu Apr 23, 2015 9:01 am

Poor dyslexic worker. I can relate.
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nochain

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PostSubject: Re: Lighten up, man   Fri Apr 24, 2015 10:35 am

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nochain

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PostSubject: Re: Lighten up, man   Mon May 04, 2015 10:22 am

Hope this helps you as much as it did me. I always try to help my friends.
I became confused when I heard the word "service" used with these agencies:
• Internal Revenue 'Service'
• U.S. Postal 'Service'
• Cable TV 'Service'
• Civil 'Service'
• State, City, County & Public 'Service'
• Customer 'Service'
This is not what I thought 'Service' meant.
But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'Service' a few cows. BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing.
I hope that you are now just as enlightened as I am.
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nochain

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PostSubject: Re: Lighten up, man   Mon May 04, 2015 3:40 pm

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Eric

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PostSubject: Re: Lighten up, man   Thu May 28, 2015 10:01 am


Saw a sign at Jerry's yesterday.

Quote :
If you are in the woods without your wife, are you still wrong?

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nochain

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PostSubject: Re: Lighten up, man   Thu May 28, 2015 2:49 pm

The way women think


Husband’s Text Message to wife

Honey, I got hit by a car outside the office.
Paula brought me to the Hospital.
Doctors presently doing tests and taking X-rays.
Severe blow to my head but not likely to have any lasting effects. Wound required 19 stitches.
I have three broken ribs, a broken arm and compound fracture in the left leg. Amputation of my right foot is a possibility.
Love you.

Wife’s Response:

Who's Paula?
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nochain

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PostSubject: Re: Lighten up, man   Tue Jun 09, 2015 9:43 am

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Eric

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PostSubject: Re: Lighten up, man   Tue Jun 09, 2015 3:14 pm


Warning! Adult Content below!



Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.

Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you." The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says, "OK."

Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."

Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up. The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it." Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?" The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it."

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Juanita Glass



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Location : Birmingham, Al

PostSubject: Enjoyed the attorney jokes   Fri Jun 19, 2015 2:50 pm

Eric wrote:
Stuff actually said in court: pegged.







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nochain

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PostSubject: Re: Lighten up, man   Tue Jun 23, 2015 7:58 am

It just dawned on me why Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet....nobody was married.
Here are the single people that come to mind. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T Bass, the Darlin family, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara...
In fact, the only one married was Otis and he stayed drunk.
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Linda

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PostSubject: Re: Lighten up, man   Tue Jun 23, 2015 8:29 am

LOL. But there was that one fighting married couple that Andy counseled. He made them both start every sentence with "darling" or "honey." Hilarious.
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PostSubject: Re: Lighten up, man   Wed Jun 24, 2015 10:09 am

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Juanita Glass



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PostSubject: Re: Lighten up, man   Wed Jun 24, 2015 10:32 am

God bless ankle-biters.  Those who do not fear are either misled or stupid!!!  My babies can take on the largest and meanest from the security of their back yard fence.  And you better believe it!!!
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Eric

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PostSubject: Re: Lighten up, man   Wed Jun 24, 2015 11:02 am


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Eric

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PostSubject: Re: Lighten up, man   Wed Jun 24, 2015 11:45 am


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Eric

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PostSubject: Re: Lighten up, man   Thu Jun 25, 2015 12:39 pm

Seen in the Mullet Wrapper:

Quote :
Dear son,

I’m writing this slow because I
know you can’t read fast.

We don’t live where we did when
you left home. Your dad read in the
newspaper that most accidents happen
within 20 miles of your home,
so we moved. I won’t be able to send
you the address because the last
family that lived here took the
house numbers when they moved so
they wouldn’t have to change their
address.

This place is really nice. It even
has a washing machine. I’m not
sure about it though. I put a load of
clothes in and pulled the chain. We
haven’t seen them since. The
weather isn’t bad here. It only
rained twice last week. The first
time for three days and the second
time for four days.

Auntie Maude has sent you a pair
of socks she knit, she put a third
one in because she heard you have
grown another foot since she last
saw you. About that coat you
wanted me to send, your uncle Billy
said it would be too heavy to send
in the mail with the buttons on so
we cut them off and put them in the
pockets.

Jimmy locked his keys in the car
yesterday. We were really worried
because it took him two hours to get
me and your father out.

Three of your friends went off a
bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was
driving. He rolled down the window
and swam to safety. Your other two
friends were in the back. They
drowned because they couldn’t get
the tailgate down.

There isn’t much more news at the
time. Nothing much out of the normal
has happened.

Your favorite aunt,
Mom

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Eric

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PostSubject: Re: Lighten up, man   Tue Jul 07, 2015 1:57 pm

A policeman searched me in the bathroom stall and found drugs...

"It's not my fault," I said, "every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."

"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed.

I said, "I can prove it to you if you want me to."

"Go on then." he smiled, handing me the bag.

After flushing them down toilet, he looked at me with a grin and said, "Well, show me your pocket then!"

"What for?" I asked.

He said, "The drugs."

I said, "What drugs?"

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Eric

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PostSubject: Re: Lighten up, man   Mon Jul 13, 2015 11:07 am

I'VE BEEN BANNED FROM TESCO'S

Yesterday I was at my local Tesco's store buying a large bag of My Dog dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10 kilograms before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with My Dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Tesco's

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.0

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nochain

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PostSubject: Re: Lighten up, man   Tue Sep 08, 2015 10:06 am

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PostSubject: Re: Lighten up, man   Wed Sep 16, 2015 9:25 am

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PostSubject: Re: Lighten up, man   Wed Sep 16, 2015 9:31 am

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PostSubject: Re: Lighten up, man   Thu Oct 15, 2015 3:03 pm

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riceme

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PostSubject: Re: Lighten up, man   Thu Oct 15, 2015 3:20 pm

LOL!!! That's hilarious. I have an old friend I went all through school with whose family has had the septic business in town for several generations. He and his wife started a micro/craft brewery a few years ago and they named it Honey Wagon Brewery. LOL
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Eric

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PostSubject: Re: Lighten up, man   Wed Oct 21, 2015 11:15 am




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PostSubject: Re: Lighten up, man   Mon Oct 26, 2015 3:33 pm

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